deconversion

Well, after finally writing down my de-conversion story, I have finally sat down to write the "coming out" letter to the family. With everyone on Facebook, it's all eventually going to come out anyway, and I've frankly gotten rather sick of living a double life these last few months. Now that I'm fairly secure in this new life philosophy, it's time to let everyone else make peace with it as well. Writing this I think was even harder than writing the DC story. Here's hoping hitting SEND will be easier. I'm waiting until I give my wife the chance to read it so she doesn't get blindsided with phonecalls asking her what's going on

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Dear Family,

This is, without a doubt, one of the most difficult letters I’ve ever had to write. I’ve gone over and over in my head how to go about saying it (and even whether or not TO say it) knowing that its implications are going to trigger extreme emotions. In the end, what I’m about to say may or may not surprise you. Some of you may have already suspected as much based on things I’ve posted to Facebook in the recent months. There’s really no way to ease into it, so I guess it’s best if I just come out with it.

After spending my whole life as a Christian of some sort, and the past eight years as a follower of the Evangelical brand of Christianity, I have reached the point where I no longer believe in God. Or at the very least, not the god who is presented in the Bible. This is the result of a lot of questioning, a lot of study, a lot of soul-searching and, yes, a lot of intense prayer. In the end, the long and short of it is that I’ve essentially found myself with nothing legitimate or compelling to base my belief on.

“What is that supposed to mean?” you must be saying. A little over a month ago, I sat down and wrote out my story more or less chronicling my journey into and subsequently out of the faith. Rather than spending time here trying to explain the why’s of it all, I’ll simply let the story speak for itself. It’s posted on a site for other ex-Christians called de-conversion.com.

What I WILL tell you here, or at least what I will re-emphasize from the linked story, is that this is not a decision I came to lightly, or happily, or easily. I will also re-emphasize that this new life philosophy is not going to fundamentality alter my sense of morality. I will not be antagonistic toward your beliefs, nor do I plan to actively convert people to my way of thinking. I have no intention of removing my children from church, though should they ever ask me about my beliefs as they get older, I have no intention of lying to them either. I only ask that in matters of faith and evangelism you extend me this same courtesy.

Believe me, I know what this decision ultimately means for me in your eyes. I know what the consequences of non-belief are for people who follow the Christian doctrine. So I know there is going to be a strong desire to re-convert me into the faith. I simply ask of you what I have asked of Lauren: pray for me if you think it will help, but otherwise leave divine revelation to God. I assure you, I am not closed off to the idea that there is a God and that I could once again, some day, believe. If He’s real and if He can reach a Saul of Tarsus who was actively fighting against Him, certainly He can reach me. I remain ever open to a genuine Damascus experience.

I sincerely apologize for any grief or turmoil that this causes you. Again, I know what this decision means within the Christian belief system. So I know that telling you not to worry about me is about the silliest thing I could say. I know how much I worried for “unsaved” family and friends when I was a Christian. I wish there was something I could say that would ease your hearts and minds. But I know the only thing that will make it okay in your eyes is for me to say I accept Jesus as my Lord and Savior. So again, I only ask that you have faith in your God, that if He is real and if He truly answers prayers, that He would call me back in a way that I have no choice but to believe and follow.

I don’t really know what else to say other than I love you all and I hope that this doesn’t drastically tarnish our relationships.

Sincerest love,

Brian

Well written Brad. You'll manage to defuse some of the turmoil with this, but not all as you well know. I trust that you are prepared for some flying fecal matter.

Thanks Leo, I know you will. :-)

Honestly the thing I worry about most now is them and the rest of my Christian friends filtering everything I say through the "he's an atheist" lens. The fact is, I'm a smartass by nature. I've always been a smartass... at least as long as they've known me. And even within the construct of belief, I was able to make jokes. Like one time a friend posted a FAcebook status saying something like, "Praying that Jesus helps me get to work on time." And I quipped, "See now, I thought Peter of Gibbons was the patron saint of going in late." When they thought I was a Christian, it made them laugh. Now that they'll know I'm an atheist, will they laugh, or will they view it as some kind of antagonism? Maybe I should convert back for the jokes?

If their superstition keeps them from understanding or enjoying humor, how damnably sad.

"When they thought I was a Christian, it made them laugh. Now that they'll know I'm an atheist, will they laugh, or will they view it as some kind of antagonism? Maybe I should convert back for the jokes?"

perfect.

I admire how you face this head on. I thought certain family members knew, and fearing backlash and alienation I lived as though I thought they knew, and they suspected, and alienated anyway, but for me to say straight out that I was atheist/non-believer a few months ago still caused a minor shock-wave. Better to be as straight-forward as possible as soon as possible.

One good thing about waiting, was that I was much less fearful of the backlash now than I was 7 years ago.

I wish you peace in the midst of backlash.

Nice job on the letter Brian, and having the courage to do the right thing. Hope it goes over as well as you could expect.

Gently, yet directly, to the point. I can only try to be so graceful when I finally come out. Hope the fallout is not too intense...

wow. I want to use this as a form letter. Very well done, Brian. Good luck.

Thank you so much for sharing this. For many months, I have been struggling with writing such a letter to my friends and family. Your frankness and acknowledgment of your family's potential reactions has given me some good ideas. Thank you so much.

Hey Brian,

Your story was the first I came across after discovering de-conversion.com ... and I posted a few times there. I was so glad to read this letter! I actually came online today to post a question asking how people are handling telling friends and families - and, again, your post was the first I looked at!! Last night, I had dinner with a friend and "broke the bad news" to her that I no longer believe in God (or, as you say, at least the God of the Bible). It was also important to me that she didn't feel I thought she was an idiot for believing or that I was now going to be on some crusade to deconvert others ...

In some ways, it's like telling them you're addicted to crack ... the dropped jaw and stunned silence ... followed by standard response, "You're just going through a season", etc.� I'm realizing I need to pull my thoughts together into a cohesive narrative so that I can be as direct, loving, and unconfusing as possible ... your letter is just that and is soooo helpful!

Thanks again for sharing and being a guiding light ;)

~Rachel

Hey everyone, Just wanted to say that the "coming out" went really well. They thanked me for sharing my heart and said that they had suspected that I might be questioning my faith. We were all together last night and while there is this elephant in the room, everything was actually fine. We hung out, we laughed, we talked about the stuff we always talk about without feeling the need to discuss re-conversion or anything like that. The hardest part was really just working up the courage to lay it all on the line. I guess I'm really fortunate that while my family is evangelical, they never strayed into the crazy fundamentalist camp that I know a lot of you have had to deal with. They remain, more than anything, human beings with genuine compassion.

Who's to say how the longterm will be, if in moments of frustration with each other (which naturally come up no matter what the family circumstances), that the topic won't come up with a negative spin, but for now the household is peaceful.

I'm still inclined to say Praise God, but you know what I mean.

Really glad it went so well.

That's great to hear Brian, very happy for you. Hopefully the elephant will shrink over time. And thanks for sharing your model letter with all of us.

Brian,
Yeah man, glad the first visit with the folks went well. Mine didn't go so well, but that's understandable since they think I'm going to hell if I don't come back to the fold (And since my case was particularly testy ... since I had this rare health thing as a baby and family attributed my recovery to the supernatural). You laid out a very honest letter here and I appreciate your courage for stepping out. It's not an easy thing to do. I'm glad things went well when meeting with the fam.
J.