deconversion

As SB said, "All that said, I can't describe how much better I've felt since letting them know. Sure, it's been difficult, but I can be myself without constantly worrying that they'll "find out."

I honestly feel like I could never face my family again if I tell them. Particularly my father.

orDover...maybe it is worth exploring why you feel that you could never face your family again. I just read Leo saying in a different message thread that he didn't respect his parents' opinions enough to bother telling them about this or debating with them. That made me think a bit. Personally, I don't really respect my parents' opinions on faith. I respect them as people who have raised me and lived longer than I have, but their opinions on this and a lot of other things...not so much.

I guess that's not the same as talking about their opinions of ME as a person. I have always assumed that I would have their support - it is one of those things that we all cherish if we can get it - unconditional parental support.  But given that my parents can be wrong about things, it follows that they could also be wrong in their views of me and my lack of faith. So yes, I could lose their support and they could misjudge or judge me. But I can get over that...as an adult I need to be able to stand up for myself and my life and let the chips fall where they may.

Perhaps exploring these questions will help you move forward.  What is it that makes me unable to face my parents as myself? Why do their opinions mean so much to me? What is the worst that could happen? How could I handle that? What kind of skills do I have to deal with this situation - which ones are lacking that I could develop? Soemtimes I can answer that last question by imagining a person who could handle this situation more confidently and effectively than I feel I can and then figuring out what qualities or skills they would have that I don't.

If your relationship with your father is so important and powerful in your life that you just refuse to risk losing it, then it sounds like you might have to find a way not to reveal your de-conversion. This is actually the primary reason that I cannot come out yet...it's the relationship between my husband and his grandfather. I know that my coming out will ripple out to that relationship, and it is incredibly important to us to be a comfort to my husband's grandfather as long as he is around. I can empathize if you have a relationship that you just don't want to risk. But it can't hurt to explore why that is. Sometimes my needs from childhood spill into adulthood and cloud my judgment.

I hope you can take a few days and sit with all of this without feeling like you have to act immediately. Pressure is tough.

I honestly feel like I could never face my family again if I tell them. Particularly my father.

Sounds like this is more of your feelings of guilt regarding de-conversion. You need to stop feeling guilty for thinking rationally! You should be proud that you didn't bury your doubt or accept non-answers to your questions. It may not be what your parents wanted from you, but your parents opinions should not be your measure of worth and success.

What's it matter whether you can face your family if you can't face yourself?

I've thought a million times of what to say, and I've composed the letter in my head over and over again, but I feel like I'll never have the courage to hit the send button. I don't know how to make myself do this.

Boy do I know how you feel. My heart was slamming in my chest from the moment I sat down to finally compose my own letter and it didn' t stop until the rough draft was complete. Then I sat on it a few days, went through a few drafts, sent it to people who already knew about my atheism, people who knew the family members I'd be sending it to, and of course, my wife. In comparison, hitting SEND was actually a relief. It was like, FINALLY, it's out there. Granted, this letter was addressed primarily to my in-laws who didn't have quite the personal stake in the whole parental "where did we go wrong", but still the actual act of writing it was more nerve wracking than sending it.

One thing I made clear is that I was open to them asking me questions as long as they were asked in the geunine spirit of curiosity. As far as trying to re-convert me I asked them to simply pray and have the genuine faith in their God that He would have the power to reach me where I am and give me whatever it is I need in order to believe again. By putting it back on them like that, it forces them to have to be true to their faith. Do you REALLY believe God answers prayers? Do you REALLY think he's all powerful and can do anything. Then praying should be enough.

Of course that all sounds good in theory. When it comes to matters like this, theory tends to go out the window pretty fast and emotions fill the void. :-)

Why I feel like I could never face my family is because I have a terrible case of "oldest child syndrome." The entire time I was growing up, my only goal in life was to make my parents proud and happy. I wanted to be the perfect daughter, the perfect student, the perfect sister. As a kid I hardly ever got in trouble. As a teenager I never did anything wrong. I never had any rebelious tendencies. I always did well in school. Again, maybe because I'm the oldest, my dad always had this really specific plan for my life, and whenever I deviated from it, it made him really upset and it eroded our relationship little by little. It started innocently enough when I was a kid and decided that I'd rather take piano lessons than play sports. He had decided that I would be an athletic person and would go to college on some sort of sports scholarship, and when I deviated from his dream he found if very difficult to deal with me. He hated paying for my music lessons, and his go-to punishment was always instead of grounding me to forbid me to go to piano lessons that week. He's admited to me later that he had really unrealistic expectations of me. The bottom line was that I was never good enough and I never quite lived up to it all, but that didn't stop me from spending the majority of my life trying. I even took up sports again in high school, just to make him happy. You could describe my entire life as one big search for approval.

As things are right now, my dad and I barely have a relationship. We hardly ever speak, and when we do it's just for him to give me one of his lectures, which consits of "Don't forget the morals and values your mother and I taught you. Don't be corrupted by the world." He's one of those guys who is really big on tradition. Women should stay at home and raise children and men should be strong and silent. But most of all, children should do what their parents say, and live by the rules their parents taught them.

Anyway, I've spent my entire life building this pedestal to stand on, and only in the last few years have I felt able to climb up on it. I have a successful marriage. I graduated with high honors from a prestigious university. Although, as I said, my dad and I hardly ever talk, he's told me several times that he's proud of me. My mom has actually told me that she thinks I'm "perfect." I've spent my entire life curating this perfection, and I can't bear to even consider losing it and becoming a black sheep.

In my parent's eyes, I could do nothing worse than what I have done. It will overshadow all of my accomplishments, both present and future. Nothing I could ever do would ever redeem me to them. I know that these feelings aren't exactly rational, but having a good rapport with my parents is just so important to me.

That's why I feel like I need to put off telling them. I'm just still young enough that when I'm around them I feel like a child. Their approval still means so much to me. I know that the older I get the less I will care about it, and that's when I think I'll be able to tell them without doing serious damage to my own emotional well being.

Hi orDover...

"Their approval still means so much to me. I know that the older I get the less I will care about it." Yep, I think that's how it usually works - to an extent. It seems to me that how much we value our parents' approval is related to how much we value our own approval of ourselves. The more you value your own inner voice, your own reasoning, your own achievements, your chosen relationships, the weaker the need for others' approval. No one says it will take you ten years to value your own voice more...you may be surprised how quickly that can happen. Your discussions here are probably speeding up the process. It may be that you truly approve of the life you are building now and just need to shift the  focus to your own approval instead of parental approval. It might be a useful exercise to sit down and make a list of all of the things you approve of in your life - the choices you've made, relationships, achievements, etc.

Associating what you did as a child to win your parents' approval (which is naturally what children do) with your ENTIRE life, with your very identity, with who you are to your core, seems to be causing you suffering. The things you did to win your parents' approval growing up do not define you. It was what you did as a child before you knew better. Some of it carried on into your adulthood, but that is how the transition process works, right?

Things are much more dramatic/traumatic when it feels like your entire identity and life's work is on the line. I have a feeling that many of your pursuits since you went to college have had *something* to do with your own desire to achieve and to pursue your interests. Give yourself some credit for what you have accomplished - it could not have been ALL about your parents and their approval. You are coming into your own.

The stories we tell ourselves, including how we perceive and tell our history, have a great impact on our well-being. Have you spent your whole life building a pedestal to stand on for your parents? Or did you do that in your childhood and just now have started standing on your own and will continue to learn to stand in your own strength, thoughts and power as a human being?

Even if you did spend your WHOLE life living for your parents...what do you want your life to be about in this moment?  Because this moment is actually your whole life - the whole that you have any control of anyway. :)

Because this moment is actually your whole life - the whole that you have any control of anyway. :)

Whoa, that is so Zen. :-)

It may be that you truly approve of the life you are building now and just need to shift the focus to your own approval instead of parental approval. It might be a useful exercise to sit down and make a list of all of the things you approve of in your life - the choices you've made, relationships, achievements, etc.

I think this is definitely true, and I think I'm getting there. I'm certainly proud of myself, and I'm constainly amazed at how good my life is going, and I recognize that its due to my own hard work, but my own pride as yet to take the place of my parent's pride. But I'm getting there, slowly but surely.

Things are much more dramatic/traumatic when it feels like your entire identity and life's work is on the line. I have a feeling that many of your pursuits since you went to college have had *something* to do with your own desire to achieve and to pursue your interests. Give yourself some credit for what you have accomplished - it could not have been ALL about your parents and their approval. You are coming into your own.

This is also true. While I always tried to hard to live up to their expectations and make them proud, I was always very independent and determined to do things my way. I decided to stop playing sports (two times) in favor of developing my artistic side. I majored in what interested me most, not what they wanted me to do. (Heck, if I had listened to them I would be on my way to medical school. No thanks!) But I guess at the same time I've always had a sense of peace that, even if my dad didn't realize it, I could make him proud while doing things my way. I guess my big problem here is that I don't have the same confidence with this issue.

The stories we tell ourselves, including how we perceive and tell our history, have a great impact on our well-being. Have you spent your whole life building a pedestal to stand on for your parents? Or did you do that in your childhood and just now have started standing on your own and will continue to learn to stand in your own strength, thoughts and power as a human being?

I feel like I tried to build a pedestal for both my parents and myself. I wanted them to be proud of me, but I wanted to be proud of myself...unfortunately my own pride hinges so much on their pride. But many of my accomplishments I did for myself, chasing after my own dreams, but I also, as I said before, had the confidence that I was making them proud in the process.

Even if you did spend your WHOLE life living for your parents...what do you want your life to be about in this moment? Because this moment is actually your whole life - the whole that you have any control of anyway. :)

I agree, very zen. I need to learn to think more like this.

Wow. You've got some real pathology in the paternal relationship there. Don't know if you have the time or resources to talk to a professional about it. I do hope you work out of it.

I was in therapy for a while when I was 16-17, sevearl years ago now. Almost all I talked about was my dad. Unfortunately I can't afford to go to one right now, although I'd really like to go and I think it would be really helpful. My insurance through my univeristy just ran out and I am completely uninsured