deconversion

Hi! I'm not exactly new here. I had joined earlier in the year by the moniker of MrKrabbs, but I could not even remember the e-mail account I used to create the account, let alone what my password was. Sorry about the extra account, but I just cannot remember my credentials!

I'm going the throes of deconversion, as most of you have. I can't say anything new. I look forward to hanging out with you all as I wade through this mire. The biggest thing I'll have to face is coming out of the closet, so to speak. I'll probably tell my wife either tonight or sometime this weekend. I'm not looking forward to that conversation, especially since her mom is dying. All she needs is to hear that I'm no longer a Christian. Hell, it's still tough for me to utter that phrase. In a way, it's like a part of you has died. I look forward to the joy and freedom you all have expressed.

Maybe my best move is to remain silent until a more opportune time in her life.

Question for you all: who here still has pangs of fear when one considers the passages in the NT which deal with apostasy? I know that ol' chestnut Hebrews 6:4-8 is a burr under my saddle on occasion.

If her mom is dying soon, this would be a bad time to break your news to her. Wait until life returns to normal a bit. Like after the estate is settled, the funeral is long over, etc.

Hi Bruce,

What is compelling you to tell your wife at this time instead of another? I am curious because that tide seems to ebb and flow in me. I finally told my mother this past week. While her response was pretty accepting, a lot of it was because that's the kind of person she wants to be, accepting. I know when she got off the phone she fell apart and has continued to do so. I really feel for her, but I know it was the right time in our relationship to tell her...I had put it off a long time.

That whole experience gave me some confidence that maybe I could start opening up to other people. Umm...you know that verse about there being a season for everything? Yeah that one still holds true! The Bible quotations I received from the next friend on the list, the God-love, the "wanting all of my friends to be saved and go to heaven" stuff reminded me why I have been putting off these conversations for so long.

At about that time I read this great post by Josh, and I started thinking about the fact that people choose what makes them comfortable, and my own lack of faith is probably not going to change my loved-ones choices, except to add strain to our relationships.

If your wife is already falling apart about what's going on with her mother, it may be the most compassionate thing to wait. If you've already told her, I hope that things are going relatively well. It could be really stressful for her to hear her belief in heaven challenged as she loses her mother, or ever for that matter, especially by someone whose opinion she holds in such high regard as her husband. Sticky stuff.

As far as the fear...if that god truly exists and is planning on sending you to hell for an honest loss of faith, then would you really want to spend eternity with him in any situation? Wouldn't that be hell too?

Hang in there - I understand the feeling of loss. I don't quite understand feeling joyful about all of this yet, but I've had moments of it. It is interesting to consider that once we have no faith, we really are as free from its constraints as we choose to be. We can even sit with people talking about Christian things, remember why we left, and "leave" in our minds once again. Just refuse to be taken in by theological thinking, anger, confusion, all of it. "If you want to be free, be free." That is what I'm working on at the present. :)

Thank you both for your posts and advice.

Leo,

I decided to take your advice. My only concern is if I'm asked to perform some sort of religious task such as offer a prayer or something on that order. I guess there's no harm in that; it'll just feel awkward, but hey, if I'd take a bullet for my wife, I can certainly take some internal humiliation.

Mary,

Thank you for your empathy and the link to Josh's post. I feel compelled to come out, but it's like I'd want to come out in person to someone I'm very, very close with before I come out to my friends and acquaitances.

However, I am starting to wonder if coming out is all that it's cracked up to be. There is an evil side of me that wants to put my deconversion squarely in the faces of Christians. I'm angry at them, but maybe they did me the biggest favor by exposing me to all of the BS that goes on underneath the surface of the facade of the Christian community. I do have some Christian friends that I love dearly and this small cadre does live by the standards of love, mercy and compassion that Christ taught. I don't want to hurt them, but I do want to give them a 'heads up' should I do things like refuting Christians in the local Op-Ed column when they say inane things, such as the wonderful design of the chameleon (hope I spelled that right).

Fear is the biggest thing I face now. Fear of 'what if I'm wrong'. If I'm wrong, not only will I damn myself but I will have seriously grieved a God who did so much for me. Yeah, I recognize the cognitive dissonance in my thinking. It's going to take a while for me to break free.

I really do like the idea of maintaining some religious rituals as a societal structure. I'm not sure where'd I go. I've attended a Unitarian Universalist service and I found that a little hokey, praising the aspects of 'liberal religion' in their hymns. I've attended Mass and I liked it, but could I do the geneflecting without feeling like a hypocrite or not doing anything and sticking out like a sore thumb? Heck, it may be funny as Josh said to attend an evangelical service just to snicker to myself about the absurdity coming from the pulpit. I'd like to go back to the church where I used to attend, but the pastor there is someone I really respect as well as the friends I do have there...I don't want to put a stick in there eyes nor do I want to give them a false hope of my return from my lapse. I'd have two reasons for wanting to go back: one, they did have some very cool traditions for the holidays and two, there are a few people there that I'd love to intellectually dismember. You could argue there's no point in doing that, and that's excellent advice, but like I said, there's a vengeful part of me. This small group of people I'd like to get back at did some real psychological harm to my kids, and I guess that explains my motivation right there.

Everyone, thank you for allowing me to ramble and thanks again for your feedback.

Hi Bruce, It's amazing how similar our stories are. I started out as a committed christian, and then took on an atheistic forum, and found that Christianity wasn't up to scratch. I then left, but have now returned to the online non-theist web but as a deconvert. Just my two cents: I want to throw christianity back in it's face because I believe it is ultimately damaging. It might empower those who have nothing, but in the end it creates poor ideology and confusing illogical view of life. I want nothing more than to free my family of the out-of-date framework of christianity, and to show them that is a better way to live, without all that pretence and stuff. So don't miscontrue your frustration as pure resentment, I'm sure part of you actually wants to "show the truth, and let the truth set them free" as John (i think) aptly puts. Secondly, don't fear hell! Hell is irreconciable with God's character if he is even remotely like what Christian's indicate. My leaving of the faith stemmed from a desire to know God better. I don't know God much better, but I have stopped pretending I did. If god is all-knowing he knows that I was seeking him above all else, and that was the motive behind my actions. I was trying to do the right thing by him. If that is not enough for him, than there is nothing more I can do, and he has no case for blaming me. that aside, with community and values, I think that all the good things about being part of a church can be done better outside of it (as hard work as that might be). Me and wife strive to endorse these things, to prove that the religious dogma isn't needed to live right. We want to prove that there's a better way to live, than delusing ourselves about the mysteries of death and eternity.