deconversion

I am on a long journey, apparently. It is not necessarily a journey I signed up for, but I am on it nonetheless. I think this journey is called deconversion.

I "am" an evangelical Christian woman, wife, mother, church member in my mid-forties, having accepted Jesus at the age of eight, attended private Christian school through eighth grade before transferring to public school, married a wonderful Christian man more than two decades ago, the whole nine yards . I live in the midwest in a town where dominated by a mega-church (I do not attend there; I attend in a much smaller situation). I have been a deaconess in church, I have led Bible studies and couples retreats, been a leader in children's and women's ministries - pretty much, you name it, I've probably done it. My husband is a respected Bible teacher.

About five years ago, I started having serious doubts about just about everything to do with my faith. I tamped these doubts down for a long, long time, terrifed about what these doubts meant. I re-doubled my prayer and Bible study efforts, and threw myself into more "church". However, the more "church" I was around, the stronger my doubts became. The more scripture I studied, the more I began to see it as one long patriarchal fairy tale. In prayer, I felt like was talking to the wall. I tried to ease some of this inner discomfort by identifying as a theistic evolutionist, and becoming more liberal politically, which caused me some problems with my Christian friends, but in the end, they seemed willing to let me have these follies, balancing it with my many Christian deeds. whoo-hooo

As time went by, I shared some of these doubts with my husband, a very strong believer. At first, I was a bit apprehensive, but he admitted to doubts himself and we just kind of left it there for a long time. However, I came to realize that the kind of doubts I was experiencing were far different than his isolated doubts and struggles. He is a kind, supportive person by nature. If I cop to complete deconversion, I am sure he will not stop loving me, but he will be very sad and very concerned about my soul.

Last night, I attended our regular home Bible study, which is a "mixed group", encompassing families and singles. I began to feel ill as I listened to some of what has just become babble in my ears. All the miracles and wonders God is producing in their lives ("my wallpaper was in stock, praise God", "ground round was on sale at Kroger in just the right sized packages", "my husband had a car accident where we came out ahead financially - praise God!", "please pray that God will help me find my car keys") sounded like fingernails on a chalkboard. It culminated with a rousing round of "let's make fun of people who don't believe in young earth creation", which I finally spoke up about, just to remind them that even many Christians do not believe in YEC. That was, of course, viewed as divisive and it all just ended on a downer. People prayed aloud for "those who put reason and knowledge above a pure faith in you, God" (uh, both my husband and I were pretty sure that was directed at me - LOL).

So I'm sure reading all that, one might say, "What are you even doing there?" It's a fair question, but this is where the heartbreaking part comes in. When one is a Christian as long as I have been, a large part of one's world is Christian friendships. I have many Christian friendships that will change dramatically, at the least, if I continue down this deconversion trail. I risk, to some extent, my husband's standing in the Christian community, not to mention our three sons - all of whom would be shaken and affected very negatively by my deconversion. I work for a company owned by one of the men in my church, and mostly staffed by other attendees. It is a great job that pays well and I can't afford to lose it. No, I don't think he would fire me outright over this issue, but I can reasonably imagine other scenarios where I might be the first one laid off if that need should arise after he discovers my deconversion.

I search my heart for a spark of belief, or even willingness to continue to try to believe, and it is more and more elusive. I am tired of this struggle. And honestly, I am afraid. What if I am walking away from the One True Thing, and will actually spend eternity in hell? But even this fear holds less and less sway over me, and I just respond more and more flatly to its specter. It appears that I cannot even be frightened into continuing in my faith any more.

I share all of this because I am hoping that maybe someone out there can identify in some way, and perhaps even extend a hand to steady me. I am not a true rebel by nature, and have sadly little experience in the rebel role. I feel depressed (a state of mind I have never really struggled with otherwise, so totally situational, I believe) and afraid. Not afraid of hell, just afraid of "letting down" all these people. And I feel guilty for living what has increasingly become a lie.

But I also sense that if I could just finally shake loose of this heavy, burdensome garment, there might be something on the other side worth doing that for. . . true acceptance of self, living in truth, shedding the hypocrisy, just being okay with the decision. This is for what I hope, at least.

Hi Austin,

Your situation is a tough one. I started out in a similar boat - I accepted Christ when I was five and attended Christian schools most of my youth. I married a Christian in an evangelistic wedding. The difference for me is that my husband was never as emotionally tied to the faith as I was. And we moved far away from our families. We attended churches for some time, but we were also free to examine, think, miss a week, etc, without our families knowing what we were doing. So the de-conversion process happened to both of us over time, and we don't have kids to worry about.

Still, what you say about the heartbreak is very true for most of the people here. Usually we mourn the loss of Jesus in private, and then the real problems start! How do I tell people - which relationships will I lose? Which relationships will become one-sided conversion attempts for the rest of my life? I have yet to tell my brother and most of my Christian friends.

I don't know if I can offer a hand to steady you...except to tell you that a lot of people go through this. The more of us who do and find a way to be honest and kind about it, the more "normal" it becomes in our society. Maybe we are paving a way for others. That doesn't mean that it is easy though.

People here talk a lot about how they told their family and friends. If your spouse already has a clue that you're having doubts, and you think he is going to accept you either way, the approach to telling him is a matter of preference. Some people say you'll fare better telling bits and pieces over time. But it depends on how long you can stand going to Bible study and such. I know exactly what you mean about feeling sick.

If you can talk with your spouse and come to some understanding with him, then maybe you can ask him how he thinks you should proceed with the kids and the church. Give him a chance to weigh in and feel respected and a part of things? That's just one idea. Make sure he understands that you don't have to do anything immediately. This is not an urgent issue that has changed the world this minute. You two have time to have as many conversations as necessary and to plan how you want to handle the changes.

If you do talk to your spouse, you might want to read up around this site to get some ideas of what reaction you could get. There are some VERY common reactions and questions. If you have your answers prepared ahead of time, it might really help. Here are some typical questions and my sample answers:

1. Does this somehow invalidate our marriage? (NO, it does not change our committment to each other, my idea of marriage as a lifelong committment has not changed, I still love, respect and admire you and want you to be happy.)

2. It feels like everything about you has changed. Do I even know you now? (YES, I still have most of the same values I had before. I believe in kindness, love, not harming others, generosity, responsibility, morality. Please watch me over time to see how I behave! Most of the changes you see will just have to do with my involvement with the church, not with my love for people.)

3. Maybe this is just a phase and you will come back to the faith. (I know that thought gives you comfort, but this process has been going on in my heart for a long time, and I put off telling you until I was sure. It is very unlikely that I will ever come back to Christianity. I was very involved, and I know exactly what I'm leaving. I'm only telling you this so you'll understand the reality of the situation and we can deal with it together.)

4. What will this do to the kids? (I hope it will help them to understand that we can love people even if they do not believe as we do. I will not try to change the kids' faith or undermine anyone's beliefs. I am sorry if you feel I will be a "bad influence," but I cannot force myself to believe something.) Maybe someone had a better way of handling this - I don't have kids, but I will be saying something like this about my nephews and nieces.

I finally told my mom recently. Sure enough, she brought up a question about my values and morality, so I had the chance to talk to her about my belief in doing no harm to others, in showing compassion. She actually agreed with those things and calmed down. She also said that maybe this was a phase, and I talked her down from that, and she seemed to really accept what I was saying.

I am sorry for the pain of this experience. It sounds like it will be very life-changing for you since you are so heavily involved with the church. My advice is to really think things through. We all have those gut-reactions to Christians at times, but when you have a gut-reaction that doesn't mean you have to shout out "I don't believe any of this anymore!" If you haven't planned your approach ahead of time, a statement like that could start an awful scene...and intervention...a hanging? LOL

I care, and a lot of other people here do too. Please keep in touch and let us know how you're doing.

We here can definitely sympathize with you, although there is little we can say that will mollify your situation. I can certainly relate to your feelings of disgust during your Bible study. That was a real turning point for me too, the hate and the shallowness expressed through "prayer requests" and "fellowship time." I went to a conservative Christian high school, and every day the actions and words of those around me made me feel more and more sick. Especially the out right hatred expressed toward homosexuals, political liberals, and atheists, and the ridiculous "miracles" like cars not running out of gas or finding a parking spot at the mall near the entrance or your favorite football team winning a game.

I'm really sorry about your situation with your family and friends. I'm younger than you (I'll be 23 in a few days), and I de-converted when I was about 18, but I'm facing a similar situation with my very religious family. I recently was forced to tell my mom that I accept evolution (although I maintained that I was still a Christian), and she had a hysterical fit. She told me it would kill her if I ever became an atheist. I don't know how I could face my family if they ever knew about my disbelief.

As I move further away from Christianity and religion in general, I can't help but feel a deep, buring anger at the way that religion divides people. This seems to me to be its most negative effect. It's so ridiculous to think that you (and all of us) risk losing our friends and breaking with our family because we changed our minds about a world view. Can you think of any other institution or entity that powerful? It keeps believers in a strangle-hold. The cult of Christianity becomes more important than love or family or friendship. It's so sad.

One thing to keep in mind as you are going through all of this is that it isn't your fault. Christians will try to pin it back on you, to say that you need to just pray more or read the Bible more, or seek God with more fervor or more honesty or more humility or whatever. They never want to blame God, but the fact of the matter is that he isn't showing up in your life like he promises to in the Bible. That isn't your fault. You've done all you can do. It's up to God to actually show up.

Welcome aboard, Austin!

I understand all too well where you're coming from. We're about the same age. It can be a rather depressing and unnerving time as you go through your deconversion process. I think it's important to acknowledge these feelings (as it seems you are doing now) and view this as part of your journey. This is a journey which is filled with moments of elation, doubt, confusion, sadness, peace and a whirlwind of other emotions so complex you need to occasionally put your deconversion process on hold just to catch your breath!

Yeah, breaking it to the family will be a hard thing to do. I have yet to break my news to my family and I'm not sure what to expect from my wife and some of my kids. My eldest will be happy that I no longer believe what I once did (he's open about his atheism). I do wonder if 'coming out' is necessary all at once. Perhaps it's better done subtley. IDK, I'm wading through these waters myself at this time. I do like your approach in disclosing your changing beliefs slowly to your friends, such as dismissing the bunk of YEC. Let them make their snide comments in prayer. You see them for what they are.

It's indeed sad that those you love, friends and some family members, may re-evaluate their relationships with you, especially your friends in the Christain community. Don't they remember that Paul said that the unbelieving may be sanctified by the believing ? ;)

I agree with orDover...it's not your fault this is happening to you. It's not even a question of fault. It just is your reality.

Just remember to try to keep yourself as emotionally in tune and flexible as you pass through this part of your journey...and take care of yourself! Life still has value and meaning outside of the Christian walls!

Also, remember that rejection of Christianity or any organized religion doesn't necessarily mean a rejection of God. I know many people who have turned from Christianity and maintained some belief in God (or a higher power). If you're into music, especially indie music, I'd suggest you Google David Bazan. Bazan, the former lead singer of a Christian group Pedro The Lion, has come out about his deconversion and yet he acknowledges he's 'wired for belief', which is in tune with many scientific studies. To be totally up front, Bazan has some doubts about the existence of God, but my larger point is to make sure you view this as a journey rather than a destination. Keep your options open about what your beliefs (or lack of belief) may be. The world is wide open to you now!

Hey, who knows? Perhaps you'll wind up somewhat close to where you were. Unlikely, but don't rule anything out. I view deconversion as being all about having choices rather than having to tow anyone's party line.

my two cents: Pick and choose what you say to people. People have called me two-faced, but when it comes down to it, there are too many people out there who will jump at any attempt to demonize me and give others an excuse to ignore me. I try to emphasis my doubt, and that if God is who he says he is, and I continue to seek him (which I do) then he'll look after me. This allows others an excuse to not hate me for being apostate, and too not feel challenged and get defensive. And then they empathize with you...and then their journey starts....

Thanks to everyone for their savvy and empathetic responses. I was having trouble logging in for a few days, but I have read them all with deep interest.

As I mentioned in my original post, this has been (for me, and what sounds like for all of you) a journey. I don't plan to make any "rash decisions" at any point. There is a cognitive dissonance with regard to my deep commitment to living an authentic life, my ongoing deconversion journey, and of course, having to choose very carefully what I say to people.

I had lunch with our eldest son this week, a 19-year-old college freshman, and although he is a person of deep and active faith (he lives his faith by actually serving others, and he's not too interested in the "culture war" aspect of what passes for Christianity these days), I think he senses that his mother may be off the reservation, so to speak. I made a conscious decision to not burden him with details of my journey, but also tried to find some balance and honor him with my honesty and just give him the basic conflicts I've been dealing with. He was kind and empathetic, very much his father's son, and just told me that he was confident in me and my commitment to do the "right thing", whatever that may be.

I don't plan to return regularly to the Bible study. My husband has two teaching dates coming up, where he is teaching about the Prodigal Son, a parable which I think holds universal truths, so I will go to support him primarily. But other than that, I am ready to pull the plug on simply attending. They will pray for me (kind of) and I will probably get some phone calls, but other concerns and prurient interests will soon fill in for them, and they will move on.

I don't really have any plans to make "an announcement". I am content, for the moment (I think), to allow the chips to fall where they may. My true friends, Christian or not, will continue to be my friends, and the rest will fall away like sawdust and honestly, that will be okay. It may actually probably be quite liberating.

My folks both passed away many years ago, and my siblings are scattered about the country, so I won't have much 'splainin' to do with regard to the family of origin. That's a relief, as I have witnessed firsthand the wailing and gnashing of teeth that can accompany that circus. My husband left the Catholic church back in 1977 and his mother has never gotten over it. Ugghhhh. . .

Bruce, thank you for the concept of being "wired for belief". I believe my deconversion journey is leading more to a place of agnosticism, not necessarily atheism. What I think I am really rejecting is a belief system, and a God that I cannot square with justice and true mercy, not the possibility that some sort of higher power exists. And I am humble enough to say, I think, that I really don't know exactly where this journey will lead. All along, just when I think I know, I come around a bend into an unexpected place. And that's been okay so far.

The one piece of the puzzle I will have to work out over time, as my attendance wanes at church and church functions, is my job. As I mentioned, my boss is also a leader in my church. He is a nice man, but not above being downright machiavellian at times. In this current economy, I certainly can't afford to lose my job. Having said that, he and I do a pretty good job of compartmentalizing the whole church/business thing, so I just plan, for the moment, to say as little about anything to him as is humanly possible. Beyond that, I will just have to figure it out as I go.

Thanks to all of you for your encouragement!

About a year ago, I realized that I cannot make myself "believe". I either do or I don't. That's why its belief. So I began a journey of "what do I really believe"? And today, that journey led me here.

So much of what y'all (a little southernese for ya!) say strikes home with me. I just didn't know it had a name!

Thanks for the site and thanks for your stories! They have been a source of enCOURAGEment for me today!

Can I say, "God bless you?" ;-)

I'd prefer "Gesundheit"!

Gesundheit, then!

To play off of the topic title, I also find dC to be disconcerting as I realize that everything I have believed is up for grabs. Religously, politically, socially, even how I view myself. Believe me when I say I'm the king of introspection. I imagine that if I liked me, I could imagine that God does too, but I digress...

Can I digress some more? Has anyone ever noticed that God (with apologies to those of you who became athiests) doesn't seem to do anything to those who just merrily skip along in life, but those of us who think, analyize, question, challenge can never seem to get peace? Or is it just me? I have Christian friends who never contemplate what they believe, what they do, nothing. Yet it seems that God answers their prayers (I don't mean generically, but that there seems to be specific answers to specific prayers-not that I would know what that is like), their lives are good (I know that's a realative term), they are in positions of authority in their churches.

But ME? Oh hell no! I had to take my first pastor at his word when he said, "know why you believe what you believe". So I started looking. Uh-oh..I shouldn't have done that. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! I could have been in ignorant bliss, but NOOOO, I have to try to make sense of it all. DAMN! DAMN! DAMN! Now my little boat is "in waters I've never sailed in". I don't know where I'm going and my GPS is on the blink.

Add Post Cancel Post

Hi Austin--

When I read your original post, I heard so much of my current story reflected in yours. I have just recently begun opening up to my partner of 21 years about my questions, doubts, and deconversion journey. Not easy for her to hear my thoughts and feelings that I have been living with alone for some time. Thank you for your post--the courage with which you write it, and your genuinely caring nature that inhabits your words. May you find life connecting for you as you journey on.

Warning, I have noticed and agonized over some of the very same things. I wish I had the ability to just accept what I am told to believe without all of these doubts and questioning. Actually, no I don't really wish that. I am just not able to check my brain at the door. I can't imagine a life that would be like that. Just existing is what I think that would be.

About a year ago, we were discussing just the idea of "having doubts" at my women's Bible study, and I foolishly shared a doubt that I was experiencing (I can't even remember exactly what it was now) and one of the matriarchal types kind of snapped at me, "Well, your problem is you just think too much about everything!"

And that kind of sums up the attitude that many Christians have about those who admit any doubts.

What a bizarre attitude to have. Stuff like this is what makes me doubt that anyone actually believes in God. If there is an afterlife, if there is the possibility of heaven and hell, we should all be doing everything we can to make sure we get to the good place, including using our brains to think and reason in a constant attempt to find the correct path to heaven. It should be all we ever think about. And yet, most people who profess belief in God go about their daily lives as if nothing bad could ever happen to them, as if eternity is not on the line. Every Christian should be doing nothing but thinking! They should be doubting themselves and questioning their beliefs, if nothing else, to make sure they hold up!

Austin,

I don't really either, but sometimes I get jealous of their ability to just exist. I have been a thinker/analyer way to long to change now!

I know what you mean about not being able to talk to others, I don't have anyone around here that I can honestly talk to. So, I'm grateful for this forum.

Doubt is not generally a bad thing, it is just part of how people go about understanding the world and figuring things out. Doubt is a reflection of what we believe to be true, or most likely to be true. And obviously our choices generally do not need to be set in stone, our beliefs about things often change as situations change; new evidence becomes available, our emotions change, we think through things in new ways. Everybody doubts some things, Christians, non-Christians, etc. Yes, we can doubt things for the wrong reasons or because we are unreasonably biased, but that is part of life, and thought or feeling, doubt, belief, love, hate, and otherwise can be misused.

Austin-
what a touching story. It is so inspiring to me because my story is so similar. I grew up in a Christian home, married a good Christian man and now here I am - with two young children. I've been on this journey for at least 10 years. I "came out" to my husband 2 years ago - I'm shocked that it has been two years. I thought at the time that he might come to believe/non-believe as I do, but my coming out has pushed him harder into Christianity. He prays and reads his Bible more frequently now than he did for most of our marriage. It hurt him terribly when I told him. We are still in the process of deciding if we can live this way (maybe I should say I'm in the process...)
I have told no one else - except my dear atheist friends who have helped me along the way.
This forum has helped me decide not to tell anyone still. My kids are so young - maybe I can live this way a little longer - let them grow a little more. I also feel like I can do more to protect them this way rather than admiting that I don't believe and have my extended family working hard to reach them for Christ. If they choose to serve Christ, I will support them. If they come to me with questions, I will help them as much as I can.
I'm soooo glad to have found this place where others are like me.

joyfuljay, can very much relate to your scenario. I think it is important to consider the age of your children and how much indoctrination might get ingrained at a young age. In my family (my wife a believer), I push for teaching our kids to be able to think for themselves, and my wife is on board with that. I feel that is the best scenario in our family. I am quite upfront with my beliefs with my 11 year old, more moderate with my younger kids according to age. Their knowing I have different beliefs than their mother and than the church provokes questioning and dialog between us.

Austin, I signed up for this forum for the sole reason of responding to this.

I am someonegoing through almost the same exact thing. Christian my whole life, Christian school, dad is a pastor, married to a Christian woman with a very christian family. I also have a one-year old son who's future I have to strongly consider.

I've even taken the theistic evolution/swing towards liberal politics that you described. When reading your story I saw so much of myself in it, especially the fear part, the "what if it really IS all true"

It's comforting to know that I'm not the only one going through this process...and also holding out some sort of"hope" that I might find some spark that reignites my faith. But it's been slipping away for years.

I'd probably be more depressed if I weren't already on anti-depressants for an anxiety disorder...I still feel like breaking down and crying sometimes. How could i break news to something like this to my wife? Or my best friends?

You aren't alone in your struggle!

Welcome to to the site, mostlyharmless; you're not alone either! I hope we can be of help to you, regardless of wherever you wind up regarding your faith.