deconversion

One of the things most deconverts miss the most about religion is the feeling of belonging to a group, a tradition, a history. I will freely admit this was one of the most difficult parts of my own deconversion and the reason I tested other religions - to find a different place to belong.

I do not crave that belonging as much any more, but it still gets me some times. Instead, I created a place to help fulfil this craving within my business. However, business interactions tend to be aloof by nature. After reading the link, tell me what you have done to find ways to interact with other humans and to fill the need to belong.

Credo: Religions tell us who we are and what we need to be

I am somewhere on the continuum towards deconversion, and have so far just limited my involvement with my church and its people. What you bring up is probably one the biggest hurdles to overcome for me. Having been an evangelical most of my life, a lot of my friends are within that construct, as well. I have other friends, too, but leaving the church completely will probably cut me off from about half of my friends and relationships. A huge chunk, at least.

I no longer attend some sorts of functions (like women's Bible studies, etc.). I do plan on attending the next couple of actual meetings, however, because my husband is teaching! Oh, my. . .

When and if I do disappear completely, I don't plan on making any grand announcement or anything. I don't know how all of my friendships within the church will eventually shake out. There may be a few folks who won't drop me completely, but on the other hand, I don't want to deal with ongoing attempts to make me "change my mind". The other issue is that a lot of the people I work with (including my boss) are from my church. This is a huge "danger zone" for me.

I don't know. At this point, it just gives me a headache.

I think this topic is dealing with two different issues: identity and community. The article to which you linked talks a lot about identity. I am starting to think that a need for identity is just another need for certainty in life. I "need" to know exactly who I am. I need to know that I will live on after death. I need to know that there is a meaning to things that happen. Personally, I have been playing around with the concept of identity, and it's fun. Why do I need to identify with any particular belief or activity strongly enough to claim it as a part of me? I really don't! Who am I? Well, I am a human who happens to be online typing right now. Why is more complicated information needed, unless I need to justify or explain myself? Who says I need to do that? The closest things I still identify with are not the place where I grew up (though I still feel that "homey" feeling when I go back there) or the experiences I've had or even the goals I'm pursuing right now. The only things I really identify with are my values, and even those can change. This is a very freeing place for me.

As far as community, I think that is something every de-convert has to address. When I realized how hard it is to build a community without church, I went to meetup.com and looked for groups in my area. I've met some people I would have never met and have been exposed to lots of fun and different ways of life. It is a slow way to build a community, because many of the activities are social and "shallow," but I figure eventually some deeper friendships will surface.

I think another thing that de-cons can do is find some sort of secular service activities. Getting involved in these is agreat way to meet people and to do something good with time. I've met a few very good friends this way. Even going to a class at the gym has created some sense of community for me. It's just different than religious community. It's more social and less about "who we are and who we should be." As thinking adults, we don't really need people answering those questions for us anyway. I guess each group I attend does a little bit of this...in the water aerobics class, people talk about the value of coming regularly. It is a culture of understanding the importance of exercise and healthy living. In the meetup group, there is an emphasis on having fun and accepting new people. It is a light-hearted culture where no one tells anyone what to do.

When we're free from church culture, we can choose other groups that give us different types of culture. There is a lot to choose from out there - you just have to look. And you have to accept that there probably is never going to be one group that defines you. Should there be?

MP,

No, one group should not define an individual, but most people within a church environment lose their identity to that community. Of course, when they leave that community, they feel as if they have also lost their identity.

My point is that humans like a sense of community, which is why religion has such a strong pull. This is something that should be acknowledge by atheists as more people de-convert from their religions.

I did sign up for a local meet-up group online and I felt the same shallowness, but I'm not looking for deep relationships any how. However, I would like to feel that sense of community - not to define my identity, but for the interaction with other humans who think like I do.

Great post, Mystery Porcupine. I enjoyed reading it.

I think that the atheist community (in whatever form) has acknowledged this issue. I've heard it discussed countless times, and non-religious groups have tried to form alternative communities, the first two that come to mind are church-like, the secular humanists and unitarians. As was already mentioned, there are countless meet-up groups and whatnot. My husband and I go to Skeptics in the Pub events, which are held once a month. We've made a few friends, and the conversation is always fun and stimulating.

Sometimes I think that religions have really hijacked the term "community" and try to insist that it is more important than it really is. You can make a community out of anything. But religions try to tell us that if you want to really belong, you need to join a church. Why? You can find likeminded people all around you.

I honestly think that this isn't a problem atheists should be addressing, but that religious communities should. Most Christians I know have the attitude that Christians should be loving and accepting of everybody, and yet as a group they are so quick to shun those who don't believe exactly as they do. Christians are the ones being divisive and casting out members. Those of us who have come out to your religious friends and family and feel forced out of the community are victims of an unfair intolerance. If you had a good friend who you knew from church who suddenly decided to become a Buddhist or that they were a homosexual or made some other sort of dramatic change in worldview, wouldn't you still be frineds with them? Or would you suddenly cast them aside since they no longer fit your narrow definition of who should be allowed in your community. If "community" means a group of unforgiving, strict, legalistic individuals with a specific and unyielding code that you either agree with 100% or you are thrown out, then I don't want to be a part of any community.

I think Mystery is onto something. I know struggle with identity. I don't know how to refer to myself because I don't know where I am yet. I'm not a christian, but I'm not an atheist. Maybe I will be, but not now. So what do I say? How do I call myself?

Along this line, I read a good article on (I think) www.losingmyreligion.com and the author said that us new deconverts should not worry about labeling ourselves. We are a work in progress. Don't sweat it.

That was very comforting to me.

As to community, this issue isn't as big of a deal to me as it may be to others because I am a loner by nature. So not being a part of a group only bothers me every once in a while. Besides, you guys ARE my community! Really, I mean it. Where else can I go to share what's on my mind, what my fears are, what I'm mad about, etc and still be accepted? Not my former church! That's for damn sure!

So here's to my little community of apostates!