deconversion

I want to tell my parents that I've de-converted, but I can't find a good time. I want to do it in person instead of through a letter or over the phone. But I live quite far from my hometown, so I am rarely home--only for special occasions and holidays, often religious ones. The last time I was home, it was Christmas. At the end of this month, I get to go home for my brother's graduation (summer here begins in March/April), my dad's 50th birthday, and the Easter weekend. Can you imagine how my confession would just kill this time for my family? "Congratulations! Happy Birthday! Christ is risen! By the way, I'm agnostic."

Even if I do get a chance to fly home for no reason at all, because my visits are so rare, my parents treat them as special occasions in themselves. A letter seems like the best compromise at this point; maybe I'll write one during a lull between events later in the year.

Still, some part of me is thinking that maybe I should just keep on keeping this to myself. I can only imagine what my parents would go through upon learning that their eldest child and only daughter has left the church. Did I mention that my mom has a heart condition? This could kill her. :/

I may not believe in my old religion, but I still believe in honesty; I just don't know at what price. The prospect of the years of lying I'd have to do to maintain the Christian facade tastes awful but also seems necessary. For those of you who've swallowed it, how do you deal with it? Can I get some thoughts from people on both sides--those who've opened up and those who haven't? What would you do in my shoes?

I'm in the same boat. I actually live overseas... although thanks to visa issues I'm about to spend two months living with my parents in the States until I go home again with my British husband. My current plan is a sort of Don't Ask, Don't Tell. They know I don't go to church, so hopefully that won't be a problem.

I asked a formerly Fundamentalist, now lesbian Episcopalian, friend for advice, since it's kind of a similar situation. She pointed out that there's a difference between being closeted and just covering, which I found very useful. Closeted would mean living with a part of you constantly hidden, in a permanent state of tension. Covering, though, is more of a situational thing. My friend, for instance, works with mentally ill people, some of whom are extremely homophobic as a symptom of their illness. Obviously, she doesn't bring up her sexuality with these patients.

That said, I would really, really like to tell my parents. But yeah, I'm afraid it might literally kill them.

While talking personally seems desirable, a letter is probably better. It lets you get your thoughts down carefully, reorganize them, set them aside for a day or two, and then take a fresh look, ask a trusted friend for perspective, etc. It also gives the recipient time to take in the news slowly, think about things, think about their response, talk to others, etc. Face to face situations allow a lot of emotions to just leap out without any time for thought to temper them. There's a fellow named Josh around here who went through very much your situation. He wrote out an excellent and thoughtful letter to family and friends which you might find useful and a starting guide for some thoughts in constructing one of your own. Here is the link to Josh's letter.

I've contemplated this very question. I have some friends who know about my apostasy, but most don't and none of my family other than my wife know.

To tell or not to tell, that is the question.

I am leaning towards no, unless there is a good specific reason for yes.

I don't live near any of my family and I don't have "religious" discussions with them. Why bother with this one? I have a sister who is a devout believer that I might tell, but only if the need an opportunity present themselves. I feel particularly queer about this situation because I was responsible for her becoming a christian, now I'm the apostate! How do you explain that?

Most of my friends are believers, but in all honesty, honest discussion about "spiritual things" very seldom comes up. I do have one couple I will probably have to tell because they are going through a tough time financially and keep asking us indirectly to pray for them. I just can't, for obvious reasons. So I'm going to need to tell them.

After I deconverted I found that I had a mixed approach to who I told.

My parents noticed that we weren't saying grace anymore and asked why. I told them I'd like to talk about it later (I didn't want to talk in from of the kids). They knew I was reading and thinking a lot about Christianity.
I then wrote a letter explaining what had changed with me. I found it helpful to write it down as I was able to organise my thoughts much better. As Leo said, it also helped to look at it a number of times before I sent it and have my husband read it to make sure it made sense.

After that I only told very close friends, mainly because they asked me directly about churchgoing etc. I also told them I would like to explain it in more detail in a letter as it would give them a better idea of where I was coming from. This resulted in a few emails back and forth where we were able to discuss different ideas. Although I'm sure they don't really 'understand' what has happened, it seemed to help them get to a point where they felt that had been able to freely discuss their opinion and helped them to realise that there was a point where we had to agree to disgree.

I have not told many of our other Christian friends, mainly because either it doesn't come up or because I realise it is fruitless to get into any kind of deep discussion about it.

Ibises only you know how well you can live with telling or not. For me, there were some people that I had to tell or I felt like I was on eggshells around them. For many others, it doesn't worry me at all.
Hope this helps

I told my parents after some direct questions about why I wasn't attending church anymore. It resulted in some rough times, but it's nice not having to avoid religious topics for fear of outing myself anymore (now we just avoid religious topics because my mom can't talk about it without turning it into a heated debate, which I'm much more emotionally prepared to shrug off). I can certainly see the merits of keeping it to yourself, especially if you only see your extended family occasionally. On the other hand, it's been very nice being up-front about my views with my family and not having to pretend anymore. I think the general approach I've started going with is to avoid bringing it up myself. If someone asks me what I believe, I'll tell them the truth. If they ask me to pray I'll politely decline and explain why. But I don't go out of my way to let everyone I meet know that I'm an atheist. If you do decide to tell your family, I would echo the other sentiments recommending a letter. Leo's advice was pretty spot-on.

I recently talked to my brother who has no longer believed christianity for a few years. I had no idea until I told him what I was thinking about it. He said that he doesn't tell people because he believes they are happy in it and he doesn't want to take that away from them.
I don't know. I know I was supposed to be happy in it and tried very hard to be.
I like the idea of covering vs closeting. I think of all the distress I would cause loving relatives and try to stay silent. But I'm so glad I talked to my brother!
I hope that you find your way to do it.

So, through circumstances that I did not intend, I wound up telling my son of my deconversion.