deconversion

As I got to work this morning, before I could get to my desk, I was met by a coworker who told me that another coworker had suddenly died last night. He was only 49, so this took us all by surprise. 

This is my first brush with death since deconverting so I was curious about how I would feel. Would I suddenly reconsider my deconversion? Would I have doubts about leaving Christianity? Where did I think my coworker was now? Etc. 

The short answer is, "no". I didn't, for more than a microsecond, have any misgivings about deconverting and leaving Christianity behind. As to "where my coworker is now?", he's just dead. He's not anywhere, except of course whichever funeral home his family had him taken to.

Furthermore, I found myself put off by other (Christian) coworkers who said things like, "You never know when your time is up. That's why you have to be ready". I know what they meant because I used to say the same thing.

Unfortunately, they didn't mean that we need to live life to the fullest because we never knows when it will end. We may not have tomorrow to do those things we could/should have done today.

One other thing. It did cause me to begin thinking about final instructions. As a believer, I assumed that I would have a church-based funeral with all the trappings. That is gone now. What to do?

Has anyone considered this subject since your deconversion? 

Since I have an opinion about everything, I was surprised to see that it has been about 6 weeks since I've written anything. This morning I'm looking for some guidance, maybe some affirmation. 

I'm beginning to feel like I'm ready to move on in my life. I've deconverted. I am an atheist. I've spent many hours (almost every waking hour)/days (every day)/weeks (all week)/months (for months on end!) thinking about these things, studying various topics as they relate to the bible and Christianity. I'm tired.

And while I enjoy encouraging others who are not as far along as I am, I'm getting tired of most of the "ex-christian" sites. Not because they don't serve a purpose, but because they cause me to continually look back. I don't really know how to state what I'm feeling. I don't want to say, "Thanks guys! See ya!", but I feel like I'm spinning my wheels. 

At some point one has to bury the body and move on with life. While I know that since my life was defined by Christianity for 30 years, I have many residual issues to deal with, I want to find something to put in front of me, to look forward to.

I'm hoping to get re-enrolled in college this fall. Maybe just being in a learning environment will spark some interest, some passion that I can throw myself into. We'll see.

So. Those of you who are further along this path: How did you redefine your life? What gives you "purpose" now? What excites you?  

Readers of my posts know that from time to time I have wavered in my deconversion. I've thought about going back to Christianity, embracing Deism or exploring various eastern religious practices. Many would say, "what's the big deal?", but for me, identifying what I am (labeling) is important. 

So I've settled on a soft (some call it weak, but I don't like that word) atheism. I don't believe in god because I don't see any real evidence that god exists, but I freely admit that I don't know everything so I allow for the possibility that god may exist. 

I found out how far I've come (or gone depending on your point of view) a few days ago when I watched a program on the History channel entitled, "The First Jesus". It was about a messiah figure named Simeon who predated Jesus and who some think that Jesus modeled his ministry on.

What struck me was that I wasn't offended by the program. As a believer I would have thought, "another attempt to minimize Jesus". But not any more.

Partly due to the fact that in my research that led to my deconversion, I learned those very facts on my own! Something I would have never done as a believer.

Funny what facts will do.

 

About 3 weeks ago or so, I blogged that my wife had developed this habit of questioning me on Fridays about my "research" in an attempt to get me to come back to the faith. This week she waited until Sunday because, by her own admission, she didn't want to ask me on a Friday-again.

I'm tired of it. She keeps badgering me with "feeling" type arguments and is not really interested in what I say I have learned. In fact, at one point in our conversation, I brought up the "smart" argument that I blogged about a few days ago. She wasn't fazed. 

I don't really care that she's a believer. What I do care about is that she (and apparently the other believers I know) doesn't care one bit about facts. As I said to her and in my previous blog, none of them have seriously inquired about my research and how it is I came to the conclusion I've come to.

I have my suspicions about what her true motives are, but I cannot say definitively as I am not psychic. I believe that all she is really worried about is how our various friends will react when they find out, as they surely will as time progresses. While I am not overtly open about my deconversion, I do speak of it when appropriate. She knows this and is afraid of the possible (perceived) consequences.

So, I'm done. I do not intend to talk about this subject with her again as it is going no where and I have no reasonable basis (DAMN! The search for a "reasonable basis" is what got me here!) to believe that any future discussions will be profitable. (I'm sure those of you who are further down this road are nodding your heads knowingly.)

"Reasonable Basis" is something else that I can't seem to get the believing community to understand. They think that I was after absolute proof about the bible. I wasn't, I was after reasonable proof because I didn't think absolute proof was possible. They can't seem to grasp the difference. And they can't seem to grasp that lack of proof implies lack of event which when talking about "the inspired word of god" implies lack of inspiration, at least to me. There is always the possibility that some evidence will be discovered, but thus far, I have no reason to believe any of the bible stories.

I would have never believed that so many are so willingly ignorant and CHOOSE TO REMAIN SO even when someone they know and (allegedly) respect has had a change of mind. And now I'm the bad guy and they feel no responsibility to justify/prove their belief system. I'm left to conclude that had they been born in the middle east, they would be Muslim right now and just as vehemently arguing it as the true religion of god or if they were born in India, a Hindu, etc, etc.

I'm beginning to see why so many atheists, agnostics, etc come off as angry. They are not angry, they are frustrated. There's no reasoning with believers. It's their way or the highway...

to hell.

So Jennifer is a lesbian.

I am too (wait for it! BAM! Now you get it! ;-) )

I was in a xtian bookstore a couple of days ago and I couldn't find any JK CDs. I wonder if the xtian community will be forgiving to her and start buying her music again...

One of the many things that nudged me down the road to deconversion was the inconsistency (I hate the word "hypocrisy") practiced in the faith especially by the leaders. Look at all of the xtian leaders who got caught with their pants down and, after a period of time out of the spotlight, are back in the saddle, so to speak.

Amy Grant is one of them. As I recall, Sandi Patti is another. Amongst preachers we have the infamous Jimmy Swaggart, Jim Baker, Robert Tilton, Paula White and I recently heard that Benny Hinn was getting a divorce possibly due to infidelity on his part (as yet unproven).

On a more personal level, many years ago I attended a church in which one of the staff pastors got caught in a 20 year affair with his secretary (or is that sexretary?). Guess how the leadership handled it? This pastor was resigning because magically "god had called him to be an evangelist"! And I have seen other such nonsense.

What bugs me about all of them was that they violated a fairly fundamental law in xtianity yet are able to stage a comeback and usually make a ton of money. Why do "bible believers" who supposedly hate infidelity and divorce so quickly "forgive" and enrich those who violate those tenets?

Being the village idiot in a village full of geniuses, I nevertheless take solace in the fact that upon learning of  my deconversion my believing friends tell me that:

A) I'm too smart

or

B) I think too much

Now this is naturally quite flattering...until I consider that they never follow my example.

I mean, if, by their admission, I am much smarter than they, much more studious than they and a "deeper thinker" than they; doesn't it logically (I know, I know, there's that damn word!) follow that they would give a least some credence to what I say I have discovered?

But, as far as I know, other than one attempt to disprove my argument, they do not. And a weak attempt at that! One friend "researched" and found one magazine article (I've written about it before) which I summarily shredded and that was that! No more research for him! Another friend has thus far acted like my confession never took place.

Ironically, the one I least expected to do any research, has done the most-my wife. Granted that she has only searched Christian sites to "prove the bible" to me, but at least she has attempted to do something.

So I'm left wondering, if they respect my intelligence and studiousness so much, why won't they listen?  Or why, at the very least, do they not say to themselves, "Damn. Scott's a pretty smart fella. If he came to this conclusion, maybe I ought to check into it"?

Just a short note to relate an experience I just had.

I was watching TV when a commercial came on for some singer's new CD coming out soon. Of course, they played a couple of sound bites from it and I thought, "that sounds pretty good, maybe I'll check it out."

The strangest thing happened. I had one of "those" moments. This one was I felt like I was reconnecting with humanity. Like I had been in a, I don't know, dream, stupor, prison for most of my adult life and I'm finally just coming out of it.

Previously, I would not even have considered the CD because the artist wasn't a Christian. Hell, I wouldn't have even been watching the channel I was watching (CMT). But now I'm realizing that there are all kinds of people out there with all kinds of things to say, some of which will probably speak to me.

All of that from a commercial...

For the last two Friday evenings, my wife has suddenly and uncharacteristically taken it upon herself to try to bring me back in the fold. What's so special about Friday?

I won't hear a word about my deconversion all week and suddenly, on the way home from work (we ride together) on Friday, she starts. I don't get it.

I do get irritated when I think about some of her approaches. She's tried arguing "facts", pleading, even asking if I could just fake it.

Some of her arguments appeal to the unknowable. That is she says, "What about when we experienced ---?" How do you tell someone you love that experiences are not proof of existence? I've tried to tell her that I simply don't know what to think about them. But what I do know is that I cannot verify what should be verifiable such as the existence of bible characters, stories, etc. and until I can verify that, I'm not willing to adress the other. After all, many peoples claim many experiences. An experience doesn't prove or disprove anything.

I will admit that I'm impressed with one thing. Last night she actually spent time on the net trying to find some proof that she could use to argue me back. Of course she spent all of her time on Christian sites, but for her to even attempt to research is a major step!

I don't know (and I don't beleive) that she is open enough to read criticisms of the Bible and seriously consider them, but we'll see. One step at a time.

So I'm reading the April issue of Newsmax and I come across a section about faith in America. As I expected, it was all warm and positive about belief in God and how that helps people in hard times, etc, etc.

But I thought they would at least attempt to be straight up in their reporting. My belief about that was shattered by an inset on page 55 which read, "A recent Newsmax-Zoby International poll...shows nearly a third of Americans feel closer to God because of the down economy." Sounds ok, right?

Weeeellll, when I looked at the bar graph supporting that assertion, what I found was that to get to 30% they had to add two categories together. The statement was:

The recession has drawn you closer to God and your religious faith.

Answers:

Strongly agree: 12.4%

Somewhat agree: 21.9%

Somewhat disagree: 22.7%

Strongly disagree: 29.7%

Not sure: 13.3%

So, the real story here is that 30% of Americans say that the economy had no affect on their religious beliefs. And, if we do like Newsmax does and add categories together, we come up with 52.4% say that the economy had very little or no impact on their religious beliefs while ONLY a third said it did.

So why would Newsmax print such a statement? While it is factually true, it is misleading in that it implies that people turn to God or their religion during tough times when the poll's actual numbers show that most don't.

The other graphs reveal an even more depressing picture of religion in America if you are religious.

47.5% strongly disagreed (17.7% somewhat disagreed) with the statement that God promises prosperity to those who follow biblical rules.

65.2% said they do not tithe.

47% said they NEVER what religious TV programming and another 35.4% said they RARELY watch. So who's watching this stuff?

Seems that America is not really as religious as we thought.

This is my first Passover/Easter season as a deconvert and I'm (naturally, I think) conflicted emotionally. Christmas was easier because of the, brace yourself, secularization of it. I know a purist atheist would scream about that statement, but I think you know what I mean.

Passover and Easter are different because they are overtly religious. Bunnies and eggs notwithstanding, Easter is still celebrated as the day of Christ's resurrection. And passover is one of judaism big events.

I've been invited to a Passover seder this weekend (yeah, I know the seder was supposed to be Monday night, but my friends aren't too strict about that) and while I'm willing to go and actually looking forward to it, I'm also disturbed. I don't know if I can sit there for several hours without making some type of "you know there's no evidence that this ever happened, don't you?" comment. Actually, I wouldn't do that, I consider doing something like that rude. But it does point up my conflicted feelings. It feels good to feel like I'm part of something instead of out here in the middle of Georgia all by myself.

My frigging brain keeps saying, "But this event didn't happen. It's just a story!" I try to tell myself that there are many religious themed holidays that non-religious people celebrate without any trouble, but it just doesn't feel right.

It's going to be a long week.