Feeling alone

Published by: Infidel on 31st Mar 2010 | View all blogs by Infidel
This is my first Passover/Easter season as a deconvert and I'm (naturally, I think) conflicted emotionally. Christmas was easier because of the, brace yourself, secularization of it. I know a purist atheist would scream about that statement, but I think you know what I mean.

Passover and Easter are different because they are overtly religious. Bunnies and eggs notwithstanding, Easter is still celebrated as the day of Christ's resurrection. And passover is one of judaism big events.

I've been invited to a Passover seder this weekend (yeah, I know the seder was supposed to be Monday night, but my friends aren't too strict about that) and while I'm willing to go and actually looking forward to it, I'm also disturbed. I don't know if I can sit there for several hours without making some type of "you know there's no evidence that this ever happened, don't you?" comment. Actually, I wouldn't do that, I consider doing something like that rude. But it does point up my conflicted feelings. It feels good to feel like I'm part of something instead of out here in the middle of Georgia all by myself.

My frigging brain keeps saying, "But this event didn't happen. It's just a story!" I try to tell myself that there are many religious themed holidays that non-religious people celebrate without any trouble, but it just doesn't feel right.

It's going to be a long week.

Comments

5 Comments

  • atimetorend
    by atimetorend 5 months ago
    Totally with you there. I've taken a couple years of from seders, after having led a few "messianic" ones. This year my wife had arranged to attend a Jews for Jesus led seder at a church, which I am totally uncomfortable with. Was not going to go until my oldest son was going to attend, and I don't want him to without my input. My wife and a couple of kids just came down with a nasty cold, so we're not going tonight! Divine providence?

    I was recruited by messianc jews early in my christian experience (my father is jewish), and had felt uncomfortable with it at the time. The seders I led were always big trouble to work out, because starting with a "standard" messianic haggadah didn't suit me, I would throw out a bunch of the material I was not comfortable with.

    This year is the first year I would feel comfortable leading one again, though I would still be uncomfortable attending the Jews for Jesus one. I would like to go through the material and be able to discuss the origins of the beliefs, how the Exodus is not all factual history, how there should be mourning for the slaughtered Egyptions (a lot of Jewish seders include that), how early Christians used their Jewish stories to create new stories, etc. And how people of different spiritualities can reflect upon the traditions.

    I don't mind the JforJ's appropriation of Jewish tradition to tell the Jesus story, but what I am not comfortable with is the way they denigrate Jews for their beliefs in their appropriation. "We (JforJ) have a true understanding of your (Jewish) religion, which you are blind to." Better to say, we (JforJ) have new stories which we have created out of your stories." Yeah, I know, that's my secular slant on it!
  • LeoPardus
    by LeoPardus 5 months ago
    I'm looking at not getting up at 4 or 5 AM this Sunday. How about waiting until say 8 or so, then moseying in for the big feast. Skip all the silly noise about a non-event in history; get more sleep; then enjoy the food. Of course I've also enjoyed not fasting for weeks and not going to a dozen or so services for Holy Week.
    It's getting harder and harder to remember the feeling of getting all excited about something that I now know is a complete fantasy. Kinda like trying to remember a long-ago dream.
    Guess I'm just glad to be in reality.
  • Infidel
    by Infidel 5 months ago
    As the weekend draws near and I think about attending the seder tomorrow night I find myself continually amazed that not one person who will attend has ever objectively investigated or even considered investigating the alleged event. Yet they will sit through a 3-4 dinner/service confident that they are remembering a spectacular deliverance.

    And, as a bonus, I'm taking my wife to church Sunday morning to celebrate another non-event! Woo-Hoo!

    I have been a little sarcastic this week by referring to upcoming fertility celebration. hehehe.

    I know I used to be one of them, but now I just shake my head in amazement of their willful ignorance. I know full well that if I were to challenge any of them, I would just get a non-answer like I did from the friend I mentioned a couple of months ago.
  • Snuggly Buffalo
    by Snuggly Buffalo 5 months ago
    One of my friends has done passover sedars at her place that I've attended. I've been to them both as a believer and an atheist, but I really haven't been uncomfortable with them. I tend to see them as more of a cultural thing, I guess. I think it helps that one or two of the other attendees are atheists as well (and the friend hosting these is perfectly fine with it, she has no interest in converting any of us), so it's always had a really relaxed atmosphere of friends getting together to celebrate passover rather than some overtly religious experience.

    I think that's how I've started treating all religious holidays; the religious bits are interesting culturally even if I don't actually believe them. I think it helps that I don't bother attending the church services related to them, though. I can celebrate the beginning of spring, my family can celebrate the resurrection of Christ, and we can all get together to eat colored eggs and enjoy each others' company.
  • Infidel
    by Infidel 5 months ago
    I had a good time at the Seder. The only thing that caused me any consternation was the conflicted feelings I had about seeing old friends and knowing I was no longer one of them.

    Some of them got truly emotional at various points in the evening and I remember that I used to as well. Sigh. But now I know better. Sometimes I wish I didn't.

    The problem with being a seeker of truth is that you eventually find it. Then you're stuck with decision of what to do about it.
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