reveal #1
My mom was the first Christian I told, and that was about a month
ago. She was the one who shared Jesus with me when I was 6
and watched him "come into my heart." She has a strong
emotional attachment to Jesus, and her Bible is worn and marked in
a thousand places. She has a heart full of love, to the point that
she wonders if Jesus will really let people go to hell without
giving them a "second chance" after they die. Even though she has
bought into some baffling church doctrines (hello predestination),
she has not bought into legalism. But she'll tell you how much
Jesus loves you every chance she gets! She has always believed I am
special and that God has his hand on my life in some special way,
and I think that makes it easier for her to think that I will be
okay no matter what path I choose.
I had to tell her because she talks about God so much and assumes that I agree with her. I knew that we could't keep having these conversations for the rest of my life...it was too much deception. So I had been "warming her up" for a while. She knew I wasn't going to church, that I had questions, that I was thinking through things. So I started the "coming out" phone conversation by asking her what she would think if I ended up as an agnostic. She gave an accepting, though slightly worried, answer, so I decided to go ahead and tell her that's where I am. It was a funny way to test the waters and lead into the conversation, but it worked.
She acted okay, loving, accepting, but I know she was much more shocked than she let on. I was prepared for her reaction and questions because I did a good deal of reading here first. Basically, I was prepared to:
1. Tell her that I still have morals and to explain that they have changed very little since "loss of faith." This was a real concern for her - will my marriage still remain strong without God? How will I judge right/wrong? The preparation paid off - she specifically liked my goal of doing no harm to others.
2. Tell her that this is not a temporary doubting phase. I felt that it would be unfair to allow her to assume that this was a phase and to watch her comfort herself with a half truth. So I had to tell her at two different times in the conversation that I was serious, that I was not likely to come back to Christianity.
3. Tell her that I didn't want to go into the specific reasons why I left the faith, because that felt like arguing against her faith. She accepted this, and I'm glad I put it out there as a "line in the sand."
4. Explain that my world view really does not include a personal God, so it would help if she doesn't assume that it does in our conversations. I told her I understood that this would be an adjustment for her. And I told her that I don't mind if she wants to talk about her faith. I just wanted her to understand that I see the world without God in it now. I got a lot of silence at that point. I think her mind was blown trying to imagine the world without God.
Since then, things have been okay. I assume she told Dad, but he hasn't mentioned it. The interesting thing about my mom's reaction is that it is probably heavily influenced by her relationship with my brother. He has become a southern baptist and has a strained relationship with my parents, while I have left Christianity but try to maintain a solid relationship with them. It leaves them "forced" to accept me since I am the child who accepts them. [Maybe there is a use for southern baptists after all! LOL]
At least that's how I think things are going to play out. We'll see.
I had to tell her because she talks about God so much and assumes that I agree with her. I knew that we could't keep having these conversations for the rest of my life...it was too much deception. So I had been "warming her up" for a while. She knew I wasn't going to church, that I had questions, that I was thinking through things. So I started the "coming out" phone conversation by asking her what she would think if I ended up as an agnostic. She gave an accepting, though slightly worried, answer, so I decided to go ahead and tell her that's where I am. It was a funny way to test the waters and lead into the conversation, but it worked.
She acted okay, loving, accepting, but I know she was much more shocked than she let on. I was prepared for her reaction and questions because I did a good deal of reading here first. Basically, I was prepared to:
1. Tell her that I still have morals and to explain that they have changed very little since "loss of faith." This was a real concern for her - will my marriage still remain strong without God? How will I judge right/wrong? The preparation paid off - she specifically liked my goal of doing no harm to others.
2. Tell her that this is not a temporary doubting phase. I felt that it would be unfair to allow her to assume that this was a phase and to watch her comfort herself with a half truth. So I had to tell her at two different times in the conversation that I was serious, that I was not likely to come back to Christianity.
3. Tell her that I didn't want to go into the specific reasons why I left the faith, because that felt like arguing against her faith. She accepted this, and I'm glad I put it out there as a "line in the sand."
4. Explain that my world view really does not include a personal God, so it would help if she doesn't assume that it does in our conversations. I told her I understood that this would be an adjustment for her. And I told her that I don't mind if she wants to talk about her faith. I just wanted her to understand that I see the world without God in it now. I got a lot of silence at that point. I think her mind was blown trying to imagine the world without God.
Since then, things have been okay. I assume she told Dad, but he hasn't mentioned it. The interesting thing about my mom's reaction is that it is probably heavily influenced by her relationship with my brother. He has become a southern baptist and has a strained relationship with my parents, while I have left Christianity but try to maintain a solid relationship with them. It leaves them "forced" to accept me since I am the child who accepts them. [Maybe there is a use for southern baptists after all! LOL]
At least that's how I think things are going to play out. We'll see.
3 Comments
Of course, I talked with my mom last night and she mentioned God a lot...she obviously still wants to think this is a phase and that her talking about God is going to draw me back. To be honest, I hope that I never need to claim atheism or take a harder stance with these people. What I would like to do is just leave things this way and let people see over time that I am not going to get pulled into religious discussions anymore. Denying Christ adamantly will cause so much pain and it won't do much more for me than telling them I'm "no longer a Christian." So far, I don't feel the need to identify as anything or even to deny anything. I just need to be honest that the assumptions people are making about my worldview are not accurate. Ideally, they will stop making assumptions but we will not discuss it further. I figure I can make new friends to discuss my new interests. The Christians are never going to get it.
Good way to put it. Semantics soften the blow. I thought that "no longer a Christian" was good enough - but apparently when I mentioned atheism in passing, it was much more cut and dry. I still struggle with the definition of atheism - and I use it and mean it more and more, yet don't feel it defines all that I understand - but it definitely sent the message of "denying Christ."
And sincere best of luck in finding new friends who accept you as you are!
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