deconversion

Being the village idiot in a village full of geniuses, I nevertheless take solace in the fact that upon learning of  my deconversion my believing friends tell me that:

A) I'm too smart

or

B) I think too much

Now this is naturally quite flattering...until I consider that they never follow my example.

I mean, if, by their admission, I am much smarter than they, much more studious than they and a "deeper thinker" than they; doesn't it logically (I know, I know, there's that damn word!) follow that they would give a least some credence to what I say I have discovered?

But, as far as I know, other than one attempt to disprove my argument, they do not. And a weak attempt at that! One friend "researched" and found one magazine article (I've written about it before) which I summarily shredded and that was that! No more research for him! Another friend has thus far acted like my confession never took place.

Ironically, the one I least expected to do any research, has done the most-my wife. Granted that she has only searched Christian sites to "prove the bible" to me, but at least she has attempted to do something.

So I'm left wondering, if they respect my intelligence and studiousness so much, why won't they listen?  Or why, at the very least, do they not say to themselves, "Damn. Scott's a pretty smart fella. If he came to this conclusion, maybe I ought to check into it"?

I've talked about my friend and how he doesn't understand my deconversion and how he sent me a magazine article that he thought would win me back.

I think he was stunned when I shredded the article (I was nice!) and sent it back with my "comments".  I posted part of his last reply about trusting the word, etc and some of you have commented on it. Thanks.

I've been out of town for a few days and have had some time to think about what to do and I just don't know. So I'm asking your advice.

While my friend and I are still on speaking terms as far as I know, we are at an impasse. I am no longer a Christian. I have what I believe to be valid reasons to at the very least, doubt the veracity of the bible. My friend is a believer and based on his last couple of emails, is not willing to even consider the possibility that what I have concluded is correct.

So, where do I go from here? His social life is wrapped up in his belief system. This of course makes it difficult because I am no longer part of that system.

I'm at a loss.

Well, I wrote to my friend who never responded to my critique of the article he sent me.

He wrote back right away, begging off saying he had been very busy. I believe him, I know how busy he is.

But... he asked something that just seems incredulous to me now:

"I question why you need to have evidence for proof of things told in the Word?  What has happened to faith in things you can't see, believing in things that you can't touch?  Even Yeshua said blessed are those who believe and who have not seen.  To me the whole thing about faith in the God of the Bible s trusting in something you cannot prove.
I guess the difference between you and I is that I don't need the hard evidence to continue my faith in the God of the Bible.  I'm sure that seems crazy to you now, trusting in something you can't see or prove, but that is where I am."

Now, this guy is not an idiot. The main reason I talked with him is I thought that he would contemplate what I said. Obviously not.

But, this reply did a couple of things for me:
1) It confirmed that I am no longer a christian because my reaction to his statements was, "You've got to be f--ing kidding! You need NO evidence whatsoever about the bible? You just believe it?" I am still in shock. His statement about seeming crazy to me is an understatement, to say the least!

2) It showed me what true believers are and made me think that maybe I never was one. My reasoning is, if my friend's attitude is typical of a true believer, I never fit them mold. I always ASSUMED that there was reasonable evidence to support the bible. I don't recall ever being of a mind that said it didn't matter if I could prove it or not, I would believe it. I'm too much a sceptic for that.

So the reason for my apostasy is simple. I was never a TRUE believer as defined by my friend's attitude. And, once I investigated my assumptions, I found them to be wrong. There is no support for the bible. I'm too much a realist to say, "Well, I don't care if there is evidence that validates the bible or not, I'm going to believe it anyway". I just can't go there.

That was my "Ah ha!" My friend inadvertently made me realize that I am truly a deconvert. This isn't some phase I'm going through, I'm done with christianity and religion in general. I can't go back because I know too much. And it seems that I can't go back because I think.

I wish I could, life would be so much simpler.

Readers of my blog entries will recall that I had a christian friend come to my house for dinner this past Saturday at which time I told him about my deconversion (apostasy, I called it).

Well, I received an email from him yesterday and it seems that he's not going to let me go without trying to persuade me to stay in the faith.

On one level I'm touched that he cares about me enough to try to keep me as a believing brother, but on the other, I have no intention of going back and I really don't feel like doing this with him.

Attached to his email was a 10 page (at least on my printer) article from Christianity Today titled Did the Exodus Never Happen, which attempts to argue that all of the arguments put forth claiming that there was no moses, exodus, etc are wrong. I haven't read the entire article yet so I can't say what it says about each point, but I get the gist and I know where it's going.

So my question is: Do I engage my friend or not?

I started this blog yesterday, but it disappeared in draft form. If you see it, tell it to come home.

My friends came over Saturday night and I really feel sorry for them. They had no idea that I was going to tell them what I told them. Of course they wouldn't, because I hadn't said anything to them. Nonetheless, I understand their shock. I am a person they thought of as a "solid christian" and here I am telling them that I have turned agnostic. Actually, I called myself an apostate which, as you know, is a shocking word for a christian to hear and here is their friend freely admitting to being one.

I laid out, in very general terms, the reasons for my apostasy (the lack of evidence for Joseph, Moses or the exodus) and, predictably, all they could offer were the traditional christian platitudes. I don't really hold it against them, but it definitely points out the lack of critcal thinking skills by christianity at large.

At one point the husband tried to argue that if I at least accepted the historical reality of Jesus, I could use that as a starting point because Jesus spoke of Moses as a historical figure. About half-way through what he was saying, he noticed the look on my face. "You don't think Jesus was real?" he asked. "I don't know", was my reply. I explained that despite what the church teaches, I have found scant evidence that Jesus actually existed and I just haven't done enough research to come to a conclusion. Again, he sat there dumbfounded. Literally silent. He couldn't think of a word to say.

He asked my wife where she was with this and she replied that her faith was solid and that she believed that I just had some questions and that I would come through this a better, stronger christian able to help others who are going through doubts.

Well, I'm not going to she's wrong or she's crazy since I don't know the future. However, from what I have learned in the last few months, there is nothing to go back to. I can't turn my brain off and just believe something for the sake of believing. It's a problem I've had all my life that I just can't seem to get over it.

My friends were still my friends when they left. That speaks volumes for them. I don't know if the husband is going to start doing any of his own research, but I gave him plenty to think about. As you all know, if he does and if he has an open mind, he'll wind up here!

I've been blogging at Hot-For-Jesus Former Fundie for over 2 years... and never once have I embedded a YouTube link. I took pride in that fact. I thrive on writing original content and only use and abuse pics of Jesus and Hot Jesus Look-Alikes.

 

This last month, while hanging out with a fellow Former hardcore christian, we found ourselves tipsy and surfing the web for old-school Contemporary Christian Music albums while listening to the friend's old Keith Green CDs. "O Lord, You're Beautiful" came on and we started singing along. We continued to compare notes about favorite worship songs from the old days and my former Keith Green crush was revived.

 

And then - for my birthday - what should appear - but those very Keith Green CDs we had sung along to. I'm eternally grateful for friends like this who have left the faith and know what makes christians tick. It's refreshing to not have to explain what it was like to be baptized by immersion, what it was like to perform Jesus music, what it was like to stand by your faith ready to defend it to the death.

 

While writing today's Hot4Jesus post, I had "O Lord, You're Beautiful" spinning in the background. And then I realized... much as I'd like to just write about the Jesus music in my life - which is a difficult task to ask of myself - I felt I'd be doing an injustice to those unfamiliar with worship teams and the Jesus Movement and Keith Green if I didn't include his song in the post.

 

Hence - Keith Green's "O Lord, You're Beautiful" is embedded in my blog- and I have no regrets.