The weekend
I started this blog yesterday, but it disappeared in draft form. If
you see it, tell it to come home.
My friends came over Saturday night and I really feel sorry for them. They had no idea that I was going to tell them what I told them. Of course they wouldn't, because I hadn't said anything to them. Nonetheless, I understand their shock. I am a person they thought of as a "solid christian" and here I am telling them that I have turned agnostic. Actually, I called myself an apostate which, as you know, is a shocking word for a christian to hear and here is their friend freely admitting to being one.
I laid out, in very general terms, the reasons for my apostasy (the lack of evidence for Joseph, Moses or the exodus) and, predictably, all they could offer were the traditional christian platitudes. I don't really hold it against them, but it definitely points out the lack of critcal thinking skills by christianity at large.
At one point the husband tried to argue that if I at least accepted the historical reality of Jesus, I could use that as a starting point because Jesus spoke of Moses as a historical figure. About half-way through what he was saying, he noticed the look on my face. "You don't think Jesus was real?" he asked. "I don't know", was my reply. I explained that despite what the church teaches, I have found scant evidence that Jesus actually existed and I just haven't done enough research to come to a conclusion. Again, he sat there dumbfounded. Literally silent. He couldn't think of a word to say.
He asked my wife where she was with this and she replied that her faith was solid and that she believed that I just had some questions and that I would come through this a better, stronger christian able to help others who are going through doubts.
Well, I'm not going to she's wrong or she's crazy since I don't know the future. However, from what I have learned in the last few months, there is nothing to go back to. I can't turn my brain off and just believe something for the sake of believing. It's a problem I've had all my life that I just can't seem to get over it.
My friends were still my friends when they left. That speaks volumes for them. I don't know if the husband is going to start doing any of his own research, but I gave him plenty to think about. As you all know, if he does and if he has an open mind, he'll wind up here!
My friends came over Saturday night and I really feel sorry for them. They had no idea that I was going to tell them what I told them. Of course they wouldn't, because I hadn't said anything to them. Nonetheless, I understand their shock. I am a person they thought of as a "solid christian" and here I am telling them that I have turned agnostic. Actually, I called myself an apostate which, as you know, is a shocking word for a christian to hear and here is their friend freely admitting to being one.
I laid out, in very general terms, the reasons for my apostasy (the lack of evidence for Joseph, Moses or the exodus) and, predictably, all they could offer were the traditional christian platitudes. I don't really hold it against them, but it definitely points out the lack of critcal thinking skills by christianity at large.
At one point the husband tried to argue that if I at least accepted the historical reality of Jesus, I could use that as a starting point because Jesus spoke of Moses as a historical figure. About half-way through what he was saying, he noticed the look on my face. "You don't think Jesus was real?" he asked. "I don't know", was my reply. I explained that despite what the church teaches, I have found scant evidence that Jesus actually existed and I just haven't done enough research to come to a conclusion. Again, he sat there dumbfounded. Literally silent. He couldn't think of a word to say.
He asked my wife where she was with this and she replied that her faith was solid and that she believed that I just had some questions and that I would come through this a better, stronger christian able to help others who are going through doubts.
Well, I'm not going to she's wrong or she's crazy since I don't know the future. However, from what I have learned in the last few months, there is nothing to go back to. I can't turn my brain off and just believe something for the sake of believing. It's a problem I've had all my life that I just can't seem to get over it.
My friends were still my friends when they left. That speaks volumes for them. I don't know if the husband is going to start doing any of his own research, but I gave him plenty to think about. As you all know, if he does and if he has an open mind, he'll wind up here!
4 Comments
Atimetorend: Like your situation, even though I have given my wife no reason to hold out hope, she continues to do so. She keeps saying that she'll give me a couple of months. Whatever the hell that means. She doesn't understand that the more I learn, the less I believe.
Like you, I don't want to crush her, but every once in a while she asks how my research is going and I have a chance to tell her some things. The problem is that they don't seem to make much difference to her. She just believes.
I suppose one of these days I'm just going to have to come out and tell her bluntly that I'm an atheist (why is it hard for me to say that? I hesitated before writing it. Hmm) and there is no going back. Perhaps by the time that day comes, she will have realized it on her own even if she hasn't verbalized it.
I've been debating about sending him one last email to see if he will respond.
What do you guys think? Should I try one more time or let it go?
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