Emotional moment
I'm having an emotional moment.
I don't know what brought it on, but since last evening I've been thinking about going back. My wife wants me to go visit a new church with her and it would be so easy to just go along to get along.
The rational side of me says, "What the hell are you talking about? You KNOW there's no evidence to support Christianity!"
And I do. Hell, I can't even find evidence that supports the existence of god.
I guess I'm tired. Tired of the tension with my wife, tired of wondering whether to tell my friends/family, tired of having the think about EVERYTHING.
It's a lot harder than I thought to be the ONLY ONE where I live who thinks like I do. I don't know of anyone else like me in my area. That's why I hang out here so much. There are a couple of atheist groups here, but they are the angry, hate religion types. That's just not me.
I'm struggling for words. Can't really say what I'm feeling.
Just tired.
Going on a 5K run this morning! Maybe that'll clear my head.
I don't know what brought it on, but since last evening I've been thinking about going back. My wife wants me to go visit a new church with her and it would be so easy to just go along to get along.
The rational side of me says, "What the hell are you talking about? You KNOW there's no evidence to support Christianity!"
And I do. Hell, I can't even find evidence that supports the existence of god.
I guess I'm tired. Tired of the tension with my wife, tired of wondering whether to tell my friends/family, tired of having the think about EVERYTHING.
It's a lot harder than I thought to be the ONLY ONE where I live who thinks like I do. I don't know of anyone else like me in my area. That's why I hang out here so much. There are a couple of atheist groups here, but they are the angry, hate religion types. That's just not me.
I'm struggling for words. Can't really say what I'm feeling.
Just tired.
Going on a 5K run this morning! Maybe that'll clear my head.
6 Comments
Anyway, I wish you the best of luck in making your decision; hopefully, you'll be able to discern which path (church-going or non) will bring you the least angst.
I guess this brings me to the hair splitting about the definition of atheist and agnostic. I'm agnostic because I don't KNOW that there is a god. I tend to be atheistic because I (usually) don't BELIEVE there is a god, although I allow for the possibility that god exists. It is simply that I have not seen any convincing proof yet. I think they call me a "weak atheist" since I don't confess to know that there is no god.
Still fighting a fight that I thought was over.
If you were to approach your current situation with complete acceptance and lack of force, not allowing others to sway you one way or another, what would you do - go to church or not? I hate to see you suffering. It is okay to accept that you are feeling emotional about things, that you are wishing the situation were different. It might be good to explore some more within yourself - what sparked this particular "crisis." It may have been a small action or remark or observation that sent you spiraling to "Life would be so much better if...." If you recognize the start of it all, you might see why your reaction has been so strong, and you can see if that reaction really makes sense or not, and whether you should make decisions based on how you're feeling or give yourself some time to work through your feelings.
It seems to me that you are searching for absolutes and don't like not having a proper label for yourself and your views. Could all of the uncertainty be driving you back to the church, where you know there is the illusion of certainty at least? It honestly just takes time to come to the point where you are comfortable not knowing exactly what you think about god - where you are comfortable not needing to think about god at all. God is just like unicorns. If I think that the secrets to the universe and to relational happiness can be found in unicorns, I am going to be thinking about them all the time. Do they REALLY not exist? How do I know? Can I picture one? Am I really a non-unicornist? Can I live with the consequences of that? If I can work all this out then my life will be BETTER! Hmmm.... One could waste a lot of time spinning wheels about unicorns and miss the beautiful spring that is about to come our way. :)
As to your question about whether or not I would attend church on my own, I would not. It doesn't hold any appeal for me.
I think I got it right when I said that I was tired. I have been thinking about "god things" and reading, etc, full speed for several months now. I just got tired. As I was laying in bed this morning and thinking, I realized that I have to quit forcing myself to be, or appear to be, something that I'm not. I did that for years as a christian trying to be 'christ like'. All it got me was frustrated.
You are dead on when you say that I'm looking for absolutes and I don't like not having a proper label for myself. I am a black & white person. It is or it isn't. I don't understand "it might be". Although, I have to say I'm not as cut and dry as I used to be. It's called getting older! I don't know if I will ever be completely at ease saying, "I don't know", but maybe it just requires patience...something I'm not real good at.
Thanks for your thoughts. I really appreciate them.
This has extended to god for me. I'm something like 99.9% sure there is no god(s). I consider the tiny likelihood of any gods' existence to be similar to other mythological creatures'. I'm rather fond of Richard Dawkin's phrasing, "there almost certainly is no god." For all practical purposes I'm 100% certain, but when it gets down to it there will always be that tiny possibility that I'm wrong. Then again, there's that tiny possibility that the entire universe was created last Thursday, but it's not really worth spending the time considering such possibilities.
On a note that's more relevant to the original post, would it be possible to go to church with your wife without pretending to be a Christian? My roommate is an atheist, and he's engaged to a Lutheran. They've been going to church together for two years and he's been fully open about his beliefs. I can't say how well it would work for you, but maybe you can go to church to relieve the tension with your wife while being honest about your beliefs to prevent any tension within yourself.
I intend to do just that. I promised my wife shortly after my deconversion that I would go to church with her. I didn't promise her that I would pretend to be a christian. And since I don't like confrontations, I won't push the issue with others. Of course, if she, in her womanly ways, tries to push the issue, I'll be forced to speak up. But I think if we can both agree that I will just attend (she can be as active as she wants. I wouldn't deny her that), we'll be okay. Well, 99.9% okay ;-)
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